Still Kenneth...

Its 915am when I reached for the time. Sleep is back to normal or at least getting better. Appetite is not quite there yet but I get at least 80% of my meals into my body. There is less need for sugar rush

Life is slowly picking up back to normal. Its kind of a big contrast from when it all happened. I think the colour is returning to my face as one friend puts it. My mind is sharper and I can once again start to concentrate on my fyp. Everything seems to be back to normal and I finally got my Hikki CD. Paying with debit card is quite fun although I just need to remember not to overspend.

But yet life doesn't seem to be giving me a moment of rest. The minute I show signs of recovering, the minute more things start to appear. Maybe I pushed them all away first like a defense mechanism to allow myself to heal, blocking everything external out like how the blood will clod when there is a wound. And now that its healing, I can spend more time on these things. If I thought healing was hard enough, well its just the start of it all.

From one painful decision to another. I sure hope that what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger is true. And I hope I do not have to do something like that anymore. For people who know me for a long time should know what I value a lot in life and having to let it go is something very painful.

Its easy if things happen along the way and its the logical thing to do. But now, even logic is finding it hard to win a landslide victory and part of it asks if there is a better way. Even my heart is half hearted with the decision. Is there really no other way?

I can solve all programming assignments and what not thrown at me so far. Coming out with my usual out of the box methods to solve them if the normal way seems hopeless. But yet for something so dear to me, I feel so helpless. I can only sit there and sigh, knowing that I cannot do anything but watch it drift by.

Somehow I never knew why I kept that paper crane with me all these years. Everytime it drops I will pick it up. When it came to CNY cleaning I would gently clean it off its dust that has settled there. It would be there on my computer table where I spend most of my time at together with all the other important stuff. Like the Mood Book given to me so many Christmas ago to the cup holder from TP during my first GL camp. Or even the Gemini key chain still sits in its box on top of my casing. So many memories that were created. And now the pain is in knowing I might have to give some up.

I guess these are some of life's questions that I will never get an answer to. The question was posed to me a few days back asking if its worth mucking through the crap for. Well I would like to say yes and go muck through and get dirty for it. I did it once before and the outcome was worth it. And now I would do it again.

But the situation now has made it hard for me to do so. I could go muck through it myself but I have to be fair now. I have to think more with my mind than base all of it on my heart. The situation the last time was easy as every thing fell into place. But now it is not happening and has become so complicated I do not know why. For all the analysis skills and problem solving techniques I picked up along the way, nothing seems to work.

The more I sit down and think, the more reality seems to hit the hardest. There will be no turning back anymore. Every choice has an outcome and a reaction to it. Its all over and done and time doesn't rewind itself for anyone.

For all I can do now is hope and pray for the helpless state I am in. I am not trying to save the world here. I know I am no superman, but yet I also know there must be something I can do. For all that Kenneth is worth, this not the way I want it to turn out.

Maybe the speaker made sense last Sunday at the pulpit. Maybe I am trying to run ahead instead of letting HIM lead me on. Maybe its not time yet. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned in waiting still. Everything happens for a reason and I guess I need to trust HIM to let things turn out the right way.

I guess this is what happens once the hurt starts to heal, the pain starts to ease and I began to understand and see again what is happening around me. Guess the only thing left for me to do now is to let the wound continue to close and wait on HIM.

But at the end of it all, whether its now, later or never, I still stay at the same place, I still have the same hand phone number, I still use the same email and I am still Kenneth.

My alarm rings, I set it in case I sleep too much and forget to wake up. I have a long day in front of me. FYP meeting before meeting up with the supervisor. I still have one missing link in my system design which I need to figure out.

Life still goes on for me.

Still Fighting On,
Kenneth.