Feeling The Full Effect Of It...

Well I cant shield myself any longer and I decided to step out into the open. And what awaited me there was a storm so big that I nearly drowned. Everything seemed to want to overwhelm me. Waves after waves never giving me a chance to recover and move on.

If I were to put it in scuba diving terms, its like an undersea current too strong to fight against and no sense of shelter around to take cover from it. My legs grow tired from the finning and my air level is dropping as I take deeper breaths due to my body getting tired. All seems lost...

And I wake up. I look at the time. I normally can sleep for more then 9 hours straight if I allow myself to do so but the numbers on my watch say 0730, I have slept for 5 hours. My stomach feels like its been turned upside down and the sun that I usually see outside my window is not there yet.

Yes the full effect of it all has dawned on me. Pain drives through my body, carried by my memories that I have created and remembered. And this pain is enough to numb out the pain from my ankle that I pushed too hard for that 8.8km run.

As long as the tunnel seems that I see no light at the end of it, I slowly pick my fallen self up. Its gonna be a long way as I slowly feel my way through taking small steps one at a time.

My eyes get used to the dark and I can slowly make out a small speck of light. I push my broken body to start moving ahead. I trip, I fall as I cannot see the stone left on the floor. But again I pick myself up and move on. There will be no way I will stop moving no matter how slow I move.

As I slowly move on in the darkness, my memories start to replay itself one by one from that fateful night. I should have known something was wrong. I have started acting like a fool in green celebrating Saint Patrick's Day. My body reacts to the pain and I ask myself why.

Why I never walked away, why I played myself this way. Everything falls apart and even me who tries never to frown has eventually broke down. I have been hiding in a lie. I know everything has to end and I know that there is not much time left to watch it all unwind. In the end the sacrifice is never knowing why.

Its now 0800 and I can see the sun. Another day has dawned on me and I get ready for the day ahead. Lots to do and settle. And in my Kenneth fashion which everyone has come to get used to, I take my pain killer and start my day. For even in my broken painful state I will still sacrifice everything for you.

Never Knowing Why,
Kenneth.