The 3rd Morning...

I opened my eyes to the familiar darkness in my room. I could guess what the hour mark would be. But this time the last 2 numbers says 00. I tried to sleep early last night. But I always seem to fall asleep at the same time. And I always seem to wake upafter the 7 hour mark. Why... Maybe I know the answer but I just do not want to face it... Yet...

I remembered the dream I was having quite clearly. It was a childhood dream to superhero or some sort of super agent who saves the day with his gadgets(hey I am a techie right). And at the end He will always do the right thing with style.

I think I was sort of enjoying the dream, a super agent this time with funky weapons. Maybe in the back of my mind I was going to sleep until my alarm at 1000 would sound and I would wake up to another day.

But little did I realise that the dream somehow cut short itself. My body was waking up and as my mind start to awake, something hit me fast, furious and left a mark on me. I can still feel it now as I type this and is the reason why I am.

The reality of the whole situation finally hit me. Its implications, its potential outcomes and how it would impact my life after that. The many options I have now in light of everything.

I lay in bed trying to analysis everything as I have always done in my life. I wanted to find the best way out. There has to be a way. If I can work everything out to the point I was ready to go ahead back than, I can work it out now.

But sad to say, this morning's struggle produced no outcome. It was like walking along the tunnel in the dark with only that small light at the end giving me hope only to find that I have to make a choice when the tunnel branches out into 2, 3 or even as many 5. Each with a small light at the end.

And now I stop at that point really not knowing what to do. I mean I know what needs to be done. By right I could do this, it is the right thing to do but is it the correct thing to do? There are so many options, so many routes to do this. Which is the best way?

I guess reality checks are always the most painful of the lot. And maybe thats why people including myself sometimes leave it till the last. Trying their best to see if things can be worked out before it comes. But when it comes, it really does. My whole chest area feels heavy. Its like I am slowly running out of air underwater and it gets harder to breathe.

Well I have no idea how to face this one. People talk about the outcome and thats it. I tend to think more. Maybe its due to my upbringing or the way I am trained or conditioned to think.

I know that in every outcome I will do fine. There is never a doubt now about not doing the right thing. Just that inside of me something worries...

Still fighting on,
Kenneth.