And with what seems to be the perfect weather for me to get my much needed sleep after not getting enough of it over the last few days, I wake up again to a not so distant memory.
Flash backs hit me hard and I woke with a cold sweat. I search for the time and it seems the number match yesterdays. Well at lest the first 2. Seems I got about 15 minutes more of sleep but thats no consolation I guess.
The pain in my ankle has gone down as expected with it getting used to the extra distances that I seem to be gaining over the weeks. Thats one comforting thought I got to start my day.
My attention turns to my Final Year Project. After yesterday's meeting, the group now has a sense of direction I hope. Its been overdue for 2 weeks. I was suppose to settle that first before deciding what to do with my emotions. Guess the irony is that if I swap the weeks where emotions came first followed by FYP, would it have made a difference?
My mind automatically plays various scenarios based on present analysis. Yes its good to know my that while my body automatically distributes the pain, my brain seems to be left out.
And of most scenarios seems to point to a general consensus. My FYP would still be on track and this whole situation would not have happened. The details different but the general outcome the same. Whatever the outcome or situation, less pain would have been involved even in the worst outcome.
I pick up my phone to turn the alarm off and I feel a sense of weakness in my arms. Yup it seems the little weights I do at night is getting to me. Do I need to put a break to that as well?
And as I look out my window, words I read somewhere seem to hit me:
"Take it from someone who spent the better part of last spring angry at the world, it's not worth it. I mean, it might numb the pain a little bit, but it's basically just a distraction. My point is: if you do it right, Jen, loving somebody is gonna hurt and the sooner you let yourself feel that, the sooner you'll be able to love again."
-Dawson's Creek
Well until than, I guess I will go on trying to heal myself from this hurt and pain. Family and Friends have shown without a doubt they will be there for me. But sometimes it takes the person himself to want to move on. And that is something that must be done alone.
For me, until I wake up one day with the final conclusion that I have moved on, the pain will not disappear. It will slowly get better I know and lets hope my character as a person with both heart and mind will not let me down this time as it has shown to be strong till the end time after time.
I know I want to heal and feel again what I thought was never real. I want to let go of the this pain and move along. I want to heal and again feel close to something real. I want to find that thing that I wanted all long.
And only than will I be ready again.
Still Fighting On,
Kenneth.